The atonement, p.39
The Atonement, page 39
“You got any plans for North Carolina?” asked Davis. It was almost as if he had been reading Jim’s mind.
“Not really. Just going to take it day by day.”
“You been down there before, right?” asked Chris.
“When I was a kid, I’d visit there sometimes. Haven’t been there in about eight years.”
“That’s a long time. But why you stayin’ with Allen’s people? Don’t you have any family down there?” said Chris.
“No. My grandparents died when I was a baby. My mother was an only child, and my Dad had one brother who was killed when he was young. Technically that makes me an orphan.”
“Sorry to hear that, man,” said Chris.
“It’s all right. I’m not alone,” said Jim.
“That’s right, you got the Sharpes,” said Chris.
“Even better, you always got God,” said Davis.
“Amen,” said Chris.
“I take it Allen is still angry?” asked Jim.
“I don’t think I’d put it like that, chief,” said Davis.
“Haven’t heard anything from him. But then again, I can’t blame him. It’s like you said before, I gotta man up and accept my punishment,” said Jim.
“Look, Al’s still sorting things. Just give him some time,” said Davis.
“Didn’t want to leave with all the loose ends hanging around,” said Jim.
“Sometimes you can’t help it. We’re not in control, God is,” said Chris.
“True, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have choices to make. Jim, if Al, won’t talk to you, maybe you should try to get in touch with him,” said Davis.
“Now you sound like Riley. I don’t want to go over there if he doesn’t want to see me,” said Jim.
“It may not be what he wants, but it’s what he needs – what you both need,” said Davis.
“What if we end up getting into an argument and things get worse?” said Jim.
“And if you don’t it could get worse. It’s like the Bible says: Agree with thine adversary quickly whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence ‘til thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.1 Sometimes resentment builds over time and makes things worse than when it started. The longer you wait, the harder it’s gonna be. And you don’t want this thing to block your relationship with God. It’s best to deal with things now,” said Davis.
Jim looked away and played with his coffee cup.
“Look, I’m not telling you to do nothin’ I’ve never done myself. There’s risk involved, yes, but you have to trust that God will have your back. He knows your heart, he knows you’re tryin’ to do what’s right. Promise me you’ll pray about it – see what the Lord says,” Davis continued.
“That’s about all I can promise,” said Jim.
Davis’s words made sense, but Jim knew he couldn’t do it. However, he knew who could.
Forty-Nine
Allen was startled out of his sleep when he heard the buzz of the intercom. He was hoping Tim would answer it since his room was closer, and Allen didn’t want to have to get up out of bed, especially since he had just gotten into it after a monster study session for his contracts class. To his disappointment the only thing he heard was Tim’s loud garbage-disposal-like snoring and the intercom buzzing again. “Can’t believe he’s out that deep. It’s not like he came back home late last night,” thought Allen as he got out of bed, put on his robe and walked to the living room, where he saw the clock. It was 7:30am. Allen had no idea who would be calling on them at this time in the morning. Then he had a second thought. “Maybe it’s mom coming for my laundry.”
“What’s up, Brad?”
“Mr. Sharpe to see you Mr. Sharpe.”
“My dad? Why would my dad come all the way here this early? I hope something hasn’t happened,” mused Allen. “Okay” he said to Bradley.
Allen went to the door and unlocked it. As he waited for his father, he tried to anticipate what he’d come for. His dad was not the type of person to make a long trip to talk to him, when the phone was readily available. Allen was so busy thinking he didn’t hear his father approaching and was startled when the doorbell rang.
“Dad, what are you doing here so early? Is mama alright?”
“Yo’ mama’s fine. I came to talk to you.”
“At 7:30 in the morning?”
“What you talkin’ bout 7:30. I been up since 5:00. You young folks just too lazy for any good.”
“It’s Saturday – and I was up studying ‘till late last night.”
“I don’t want to get into nothin’ bout no studyin’. I want to know…” began Vernon before he paused and looked around. “What is makin’ that noise like that?”
“That’s just Tim’s snoring.”
“Boy needs to get his adenoids checked – anyway, I want to know when you gon’ cut this foolishness and bring yo’ behind back home. This baby-boy temper – tantrum you havin’ done gone on long enough.”
“Temper tantrum! How can you say that after what Jim did to me? How would you feel if you found out the Pastor was having an affair with Ma!”
“That ain’t nothin’ like what we talkin’ ‘bout. And even if it did, you think I’m gon’ run to Smitty’s house and never go to church again.”
“Dad, Jim is not the same person he was when we were growing up. His actions have made that clear. Now, I’m over what’s happened and I’m not angry anymore, but I can’t help but think that all of this came out when it did for a reason. Maybe this is the way God wants it to be. I’m just trying to go along with the inevitable progression of things.”
“Or maybe it’s the way the Devil wants it to be. Allen, you and Jimmy been friends for too long to let some shady gal come between you two.”
“Jim’s just as shady as she is. She had a partner, after all.”
“Jimmy told you the truth and apologized. Did she do that? Cause those actions tell me a lot more than what came before.”
“Still…”
“Don’t you ‘still’ me when I’m talkin’ to you – Listen, that boy been wearing out the prayer rug at the church over this thing.”
“If he’d done that before, this would’ve never happened.”
“Allen, I know you ain’t gon’ allow yourself to be so hardened against Jimmy. Especially after everything you been through.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking ‘bout when you prayed that Davis would forgive you for runnin’ your mouth in his business, and if that’s not enough, what about when you prayed to God to have mercy on you and speak to you after you’d turned your back on Him lookin’ for that corner office job. Even now, when you shruggin’ off Bible study, and cuttin’ out of church, He’s still being merciful. And look at how you repayin’ that.”
There was nothing that Allen could say.
“The Bible say, “seventy times seven”. Remember that man Jesus talked about that threw his friend in prison over 100 dollars after his boss forgave him for 10,000.00.1 Don’t ask God for mercy no mo’ if you ain’t willing to give it.”
Just then Tim stumbled out of his room, half asleep.
“What’s going on, out here?” he said through a yawn as he stretched himself. Then he rubbed his eyes. “Mr. Sharpe?”
“Boy, how you coming out half-naked like that in this cold!” scolded Mr. Sharpe.
Tim looked down at his grey t-shirt and black sweatpants, puzzled. Then he sent another puzzled look towards Allen’s way. Allen merely shrugged.
“Go git yo’ robe and put it on! You makin’ me cold just looking at you! No slippers or nothing.’”
“But I’m not…” began Tim, before Allen shot him a look of warning. “I’ll – just – be – right back.”
“Allen, you’re not the first person that was wronged in this world, and you haven’t been wronged in the worst way. Jesus died for sinners - all sinners - and that means you don’t have the right to hold nothing against nobody. Now you chew on that for a while.”
“Dad…”
“I’ve said my piece – I’m going. But also know that I expect you back in our house for Sunday dinner. Is that clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Cause even if you gon’ be a grudge, you can at least be civil and say goodbye.”
As Vernon headed for the door, Tim reappeared wearing a dark green full-length terry-cloth robe.
“I’m properly robed now, sir.”
“Good. And get your adenoids checked ‘cause your snoring sounds like construction” returned Vernon before leaving.
“I will, sir.”
Allen closed the door, leaned against it and let out a sigh.
“What was that about?”
“Just my dad being a papa bear, that’s all. If he nags you that means he sees you as his kid.”
“That I know. What did he want to see you about?”
“I think you probably already know that, too?”
“So are you going home, or are you going to have your mail re-routed?”
“Maybe.”
Fifty
The sun was out this November morning, enlivening the grounds around the Wakefield cemetery. The cold winds and bare trees the only reminders of the present season. Allyson would only come to the cemetery during daylight hours because she was afraid to come at night. Not that she was afraid of ghosts (or so she tried to convince herself), but it was a matter of general safety. She came devotedly, every year since Poppa died. Today was the anniversary of his death. Though he had left her, she had purposed that she would never leave him, but would honor his memory until her own eventual demise.
She walked slowly among the graves until she came to her family plot. Every Russell who’d ever lived had been buried here going back to the late nineteenth century. Poppa’s was the one with the large rectangular headstone with his visage engraved in the center. When she came to it, Allyson kneeled down - her knee socks and boots doing nothing to protect her from the shock of the cold from the hard ground below. Slowly, she ran her fingers over the words etched into the frosty marble:
In loving memory of our Poppa: Honorable Judge Timothy Warren Russell, 1943 – 1998. “When evidence fails, trust your gut.”
Allyson had always been in awe of her grandfather and his uncommon perspicacity. The Sharpes reminded her of him. She knew that if he were alive today, he would probably like them. Allyson had always tried to live by Poppa’s advice: trusting her gut, or at least she tried to. Many times fear got in the way, like what was happening to her right now.
She took something out of her pocket. It was a handmade key chain that she had made herself. Carefully she dug a little cavern with a stick she’d found around the grounds, placed the keychain inside, and covered it with the dirt. Allyson would never put flowers on her grandfather’s grave because he always hated them. Instead, she would bring a memento that she would make for him. Wherever he was, she wanted him to know that she still loved him, even if he couldn’t love her back anymore. It was times like these, when visiting her grandfather’s grave that she felt the most alone. But today, she couldn’t help thinking about what Momma Lena had said to her.
Her reflection on that conversation was disturbed by the sound of dry autumn leaves being crushed under foot. She didn’t have to turn to know who it was.
“Is it okay, if I take a spot over here?”
“Whatever.”
Tim sat next to her cross-legged. The two were silent for a while, listening to the wind blow the leaves around.
“You think he can see us?” said Allyson.
“I’m not sure. Maybe. In a way, I hope he can’t.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t think he’d be okay with what’s happened with our family over the past 12 years. He was adamant about what he’d call ‘family cohesion.’”
“I remember. He’d always say, ‘family is family no matter what.’”
“You know, before you were born I wasn’t quite thrilled about mother having another baby, and I think Poppa must’ve known somehow. One day he took me aside in his office and he said to me in his deep officious tone, ‘Now, Tim you must know that since you’re mother’s going to have another baby, we’re going to have to take on more responsibility. I don’t think she looks after you the way she should and you’ve heard some of the silly ideas she’s got for this little one – nonsense about painting rabbits on the walls and lace curtains. This little baby’s going to be ruined unless you and I take decisive, immediate action.’”
“Sounds like Poppa alright.”
“He made it seem like we were this team on a mission to protect you. He’d tell me that when he wasn’t around it would be my job to look after you and make sure my mom didn’t turn you into a spoiled brat. We even went to the mall sometimes and he’d let me pick out toys and outfits for you – things we liked that he knew mother would hate.”
“Is that why I was wearing that awful looking baseball onesie when I came home from the hospital?”
“Poppa liked it. He felt it would be better if you had a bit of tomboy in you rather than be the girly-girl mom was planning to turn you into. He wanted you to have some spunk, and to not always think you’d have to conform to the common mold.”
“I know. So…Poppa was able to trick you into wanting a sibling.”
“Maybe at first. But then after a while, I started to like the idea. I even started to think that you were going to be my baby, too. When mom brought you home, the first thing I said was, “Is that my baby?”
“So I’ve heard. That was a long time ago. So much has changed since then.”
“Some things haven’t. I remember that when I first saw you, I thought that there could never be anything I wouldn’t do to protect you. I still feel that way. Believe it or not, I really do love you, Allyson.”
“Tim…”
“Listen, Ally, I know that saying you’re sorry doesn’t magically fix things. I can’t change what has happened in the past, but I want you to know that no matter what happens down the road, I’ll always love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I want my big brother back,” she said looking directly into his eyes.
Tim reached over and took her into his arms. Allyson held on tight.
“Tim…I’m – I’m sorry,” she sobbed.
“It’s okay cupcake. It’s okay.”
Fifty-One
Allen stood in front of the mirror in his room trying to knot his tie and ignore the one in his stomach. The church was normally his refuge and his sanctuary, but for the past couple of weeks, going had been torture. He’d been on the evasive trying to avoid Jim, even skipping Sunday dinners with the excuse that he had to study for class. Today he’d be ushering so there would be no awkwardness from having to sit in close proximity to his old acquaintance. After thinking about what his dad said, Allen knew that he’d have to actually settle things with Jim. However, he didn’t know if he wanted to do it today. “I’ve got too much going on right now to have to deal with that,” Allen reasoned to himself. Finals were going to be right after the holiday break and Allen wanted to be prepared. A knock on the door interrupted Allen’s thoughts.
“Come in.”
“Ready?” asked Tim, who poked his head around the door for a brief moment before disappearing.
“Just about,” said Allen as he finished his tie. He grabbed his jacket and bag before heading out. When he came into the living room, he saw Tim securing his guitar in its case and whistling a gospel hymn.
“I see someone’s in a good mood.”
“How can I not? It’s Sunday. Sundays always remind me of all the things I have to be grateful for.”
“And this doesn’t have anything to do with a certain relative of yours.”
“It might have something to do with a relative of mine, if I must say.”
“Is she going to be with us today?”
“No, but she might come back to have dinner with us in the near future. We’re taking baby steps, Allen.”
“I hear you. I’m also happy for you.”
“Thanks, dude – and I have to thank the Lord while I’m at it. Nothing ever happens without Him.”
“Amen. At least someone’s able to get a prayer through.”
“Not just my prayer a lot of people’s prayers. Don’t worry Al, your change is coming, too. Just stay focused on what God wants you to do.”
“I’m trying. It’s just that – sometimes I think about my life and it’s nothing like I imagined it would be. I mean, I always thought that by the time I was 24 I would be in an entry level finance job, I’d have my own apartment and the girl of my dreams. Instead I’m a broke janitor, living with my parents, going to law school, of all places, the girl of my dreams has just broken my heart, and my best friend… well no need to go over that – It’s just like there’s one disappointment after another. I just wish He would let me know what’s going on. Is this a punishment? A joke? A trial? I need a word – something to hold onto.”
“You have that already. You know what He’s promised us in His Word. Now you just have to trust in spite of everything you feel. In fact, you just have to let go of all those feelings – the disappointment, the hurt, resentments – they’ll just choke your faith.”
“It’s hard.”
“So was getting a Harvard Degree, but you persevered to get it. This is worth a lot more.”
Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of the intercom.
